Time to be Vulnerable

Recently my life has been a bit shit. Everything from Family to work drama. In fact, the only good thing going for me right now is my relationship with my husband, which in itself will be stressed in a few months due to situations which are outside of our control in a way. Once again I am being asked to step up, fix the problems, and do so with a fucking smile (gods, don’t you just HATE that?). So, to help figure out if the universe actually hates more or if I am a cosmic joke, I had a computer do my natal chart (cause I don’t know how) and sent it to a close friend to read. We ended up getting on Discord and having an almost two hour call regarding it. Apparently I have very powerful intuition, but almost every house has the opposite sign in it. Oh and I am charming. Kinda like the universe said “we will make you entire being constantly fight and go against itself for most of your life, however here is a charming personality and eerily strong intuition as a consolation prize”. One of the things she said to me though is that I need to start being vulnerable. I need to start allowing people to see me as vulnerable. Which means, at least to me, it is time to be honest. Not just with myself, but the world and everyone in it.

I don’t know why I am writing this in a blog. Perhaps because I like the thought of knowing this will exist long after I die. Perhaps it is for my ego, wanting to prove myself as someone who has something important to say. Perhaps this is my way of screaming into the indescribable void, knowing that my words will be fairly meaningless in the long run, but letting them out nonetheless. Either way, this is what felt right to me. Writing this in a place where others can see it and learn from it, a person who needs to not feel so alone as I sometimes have felt lately. Let’s face it, in this vast world of suns, moons, stars, magic, and nature it is easy to feel isolated. This comes from everything you see online, the #WitchTWT and Witchtok drama, feeling like you don’t belong as part of the group, feeling like you are not good enough, and feeling overall like your voice doesn’t matter. Indeed in our communities it is easy to be overlooked or looked down on if you are not part of the “inner circle” of content writers. Hell, I am sure only 5 people will read this blog so I understand that fear. But with that fear does come a breath of air, knowing that whatever I type will fade into the infamy of time and the void that is the social media of our worlds.

If I am being vulnerable and honest, two things that for me go hand in hand, I am not sure I believe in magic anymore, or witchcraft, or whatever you wish to call it. Sure, I do believe in the cause and the effect, the science behind it and how it works, the theories and the mechanics, but the magic? I don’t think so. To me, magic is something that is beautiful that exists in all things, and yet I feel disconnected from it. I am actually wondering if I ever felt it at all or, in my effort to rebel and be decisive, I convinced myself I could feel it. The more I think about it the more I have to admit to myself that the esoteric ramblings of the soul are probably closer to what I have ever felt versus that feeling of sparkles inside. I have never felt the energy of the earth, only of the wind. And even that could simply have been the wind itself. I have reached the age where it is no longer about the “feel” of magic or how it is worked, instead it is more about making sure whatever you do, you do for you. It is about allowing yourself to express your desires and flex your creativity. Energy, chants, manipulation of chakras, all of that just feels empty to me, and it has for a while. Perhaps this is because I have not been creative lately? Who the hell knows. All I know is that at some unknown, but recent, point in my life, I stopped believing in the fairy tale version of magic and have realized it was my own soul doing the work instead. 

I don’t believe in a lot. I don’t believe starseeds are real, I don’t believe in otherkin or twin flames (which is a whole other rant) and I don’t believe that magic is for everyone. I don’t believe in the fae, or angels, or demons, or vampires, and am honestly pretty iffy on deities. And you know what? That is fine. I don’t need to believe them, nor do I need to push my beliefs on others. If you believe those things you know what, that is wonderful! It is amazing to believe in something and it is powerful to accept those things are a part of you. You will never hear me criticize you or put you down for them because at the end of the day, I don’t have any freaking idea if they are true or not. And frankly Scarlett, I could give a damn. 

I do believe in love, and knowledge, and nature. I believe those things are all part of our lives. I believe we all deserve love and to be happy, to live our best life. I try hard not to judge others, however sometimes I fail miserably at that. I try not to let it get to me because at the end of the day, I am only human. Which to me is the most boring thing of all, yet the most beautiful. No where else in the world is there another me, living my experience with my thoughts and desires and pain. No where else is there another 6’2” 275lb grown man listening to his “I Am Calm” playlist while typing things that could be construed as “problematic” in the occult community and you know what, that is fucking beautiful to me. 

I think in all of our searches for the divine, for magic and control, we all do it because at the end of the day I think we all want to feel special. We all want to feel like we are more than we are, and the sad thing is that we get so focused on becoming special, we forget to remember that we are already special. We are all unique with a random assortment of chromosomes and living different lives. How is that not special? We get so wrapped up in trying to live in a world of WitchTok, Instagram, tweeting the right witchy photos and making sure we follow the aesthetic and read the books that we forget the most powerful and special part of ourselves, our soul. That spark inside us that is out thoughts, that is our fears and our dreams. The piece that is our love, that gets butterflies when you kiss the right person, that feels pain when someone you love is hurting. That is the part that is important, that is what makes us unique and whole. That is the part that helps bring “magic” to light. We should all feel special for there is no one in the world like us, and I think we forget that.

Once upon a time I fell in love with a person who didnt love me back. He was super sweet, had an 8 pack, blonde hair, and was hopelessly in love with his ex-girlfriend. It got to the point I couldn’t sleep, or eat, or really do anything without thinking of him. And I knew I could never have him. So I cut him out completely. I have not really spoken with him in over a decade, but he still crosses my mind once every few weeks, like an ache that doesn’t want to go away, or a bruise you cannot stop poking. The most amazing part about all of that is knowing that no one else in the world will have that experience. They will never have the nights laying up, worried about what I will do or say, making sure to be “not too gay” to make him uncomfortable, never worry about seeing him again after i have put on weight an aged. They also will never remember the way he made me feel when I saw him smile, when we would hang out on the porch drinking beers until 2 in the morning, or how great he was at giving hugs. That whole experience is mine and mine alone, and that is what makes it powerful and special. While I have an amazing husband, one who I would never give up for anything in this world, there is a part of me that likes to sometimes daydream “what if?”

We call witchcraft a path and a craft, which is true. It is an artform that you can study your whole life for yet barely scratch the surface, yet it also a path where you are constantly challenged. Either by yourself and your own demons, or by others. If I have to see one more shit post “Hot Take” or another idiot cisgendered teenage white girl screaming “cultural appropriation” over anything related to sage, or even just the “You dont know anything as you have only been practicing for 3 months and haven’t cast a spell yet” I swear I will fucking scream. So much nowadays we give too much power to others and what they say. Just look to Twitter if you don’t believe me. It is time to remember that your path will never look like others. Your life will never look like others. Sure, other people might have loved and lost a blond haired county boy, but yours will never be mine. Your otherkin experience will never be my own, your perception of Thelmetic magic will never be mine and you know what? That is okay.

One day I wish we could all simply respect others. One day I wish we could remember that everyone is a human being and we all deserve to treat each other like that. Everyone has hopes and fears and dreams, and it is important to remember that it doesn’t matter what others are, it only matters what yours are. This is your life, this is my life, and we deserve to live it to our standards. Our individuality brings the magic, our souls hold that spark, so embrace yours. Everyone’s version of magic is unique and while we cannot all sense or feel it, I can tell you that if you don’t embrace it, yours will indeed be missed. 

Life is hard, life freaking sucks. I am an adult and I still have no idea what I am doing. I have no clue on where to go in life and sometimes worry that every decision I have made is a mistake. That part doesn’t get better with age. You will never wake up knowing everything and where you are going, instead you will wake up wondering who will guide you now that your parents are gone, who will give you advice like your grandmother, or love you like a mom, or teach you like a dad. Instead you just plow ahead, learning, living, and loving. Living your life, and nothing else, because as you get older, that is all that matters.

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