So a bit ago I got selected to that most patriotic and important of services that all registered voters must deal with. Jury Duty. After calling the number provided (and crossing my fingers that they would dismiss me), wouldn’t you know I had to be in court, at 8:30am Monday morning. So, in my immense boredom of sitting in a stupid room, I decided to type out my train of thought to give you all an insight into the world through my eyes. As such, I bring to you things I have learned in court today:
•I live too far away to go home and come back in the space of two hours
•The clock in the jury room is 24 minutes behind, somehow making time move even more slowly
•Much like at any awkward family event, every minute is an hour and each hour is a lifetime of anguish
•Karens also go to jury duty, as proved by that one bitch who loudly complained about someone watching something on their phone. While not my first time encountering a Karen in the wild, it is the first time I have seen one that early in the morning. 0/10 recommend
•The Jury Duty ladies are wonderfully nice, as nice as prisoners dangling the key in front of the cage, with the “I will update you in 15 minutes” being said repeatedly, like a countdown to an execution
•Older men seem to be immune to jury duty, as one is actively sleeping and snoring. I believe he needs to see a doctor, either that or his 23andMe will show his mothered dallied with a train at some point. No one is waking him up, and frankly I am curious to see how long this goes on.
•Two older men behind me are building a budding friendship over arthritis and golf. I sincerely hope their friendship continues.
•“Girl Meet Farm” from the Food Network is much more entertaining muted and with no captions, if you didn’t know better you would think she was teaching you how to build a pipe bomb with a key lime twist
•Then there is Sean…So behind me sits Sean. Seems to be about 60’s, is a grandfather and works in construction and building. He used to work at Vons, before his sons were born, and he stayed up till 3am last night. He normally takes 3 cups of coffee, and his sons all purchased their own TV since he doesn’t believe in them.
•The lady next to me seems to either suffer from some form of OCD or has stock in hand sanitizer… I am not judging but am worried for her hands moisture or lack thereof
•The prison guards know the clock is 24 minutes behind and “we have someone working on it”… how many jurors does it take to take it off the wall and spin the little wheel thingy behind it? Stay turned and we might find out
•The lady from Applebees who ordered three cocktails during lunch just walked in. She shot me a look that said “snitches get stitches”…. I think I have made a friend
•The way people look when they walk into this room makes me think “The Walking Dead” spent too much money and time on extras… they could have just filmed here
•The Food Network is still on, nothing looks appetizing and the hosts must do cocaine to keep up that level of excitement over chickpeas
•One woman keeps complaining how cold it is and based on her VERY light T-shirt, we can all tell how cold you are. She should open a glass cutting business… just saying
•The woman with the hand sanitizer seems to be struggling to use her iPad now… as she is not my grandma I have no obligation to help, however I wonder if it has something to do with the amount of hand sanitizer that is being used (like, legit kinda worried for her hands…)
•”Everyone is on their phones, no one is talking to each other, how are we supposed to get to know anyone?!”… shut it Brenda, this isn’t tinder and if anyone tries to talk to me imma scream
•A young woman is in an absolute panic, her phone is dying and she is walking around, wide eyed, charging cord lying listlessly in her hands, trying to find a plug…. Brenda might have someone to talk to after all
•Some fabulous looking young man just came in, draped in brilliant colors of red and purple, aviator glasses, trailing a cloud of Draker Noire and sunshine behind him… is this Jesus?
•The two old men are back and have brought Sean into their inner circle, I am pleased to say the “Grandpa Club” seems to be holding its first inaugural meeting. They are currently discussing the best type of wood to use for a cabinet installation and I have never been more bored, and fascinated, in my life.
•Karen has remained silent… perhaps it’s true what they say about people being hangry, perhaps another Karen claimed dominance of this territory… but we may never know
•A straight white man designed place, nothing says white privilege like popcorn ceiling tiles, overhead fluorescent lighting and concrete styled laminate.
•A lawyer looking man just walked in (6 hours after the rest of us) looked around nervously, and whispered to the prison guards while giving them his jury summons… then left after they scanned it. Methinks a conspiracy is afoot
•Playing the game of “Do I need lotion or is that a rash?” Is an alarming, but effective way, to help pass the time.
•The prison guards are finally letting us leave… only after calling our names. This is like High School graduation all over again except… they are also doing it alphabetically… I am so fucked
Your Friendly Neighborhood Witch 